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In his role as a stone-cold killer, Javier Bardem has just dispatched his 58th or 59th victim and I'm on the edge of my couch waiting to see what happens to his next target. As it turns out, the wait will be a long one. Because, with 20 minutes left to go in "No Country for Old Men," the picture on my television screen freezes. No matter how many buttons I push or how many bad words I shout at the picture, the movie will not resume.

For the third time in the last few weeks, I have been stiffed by my local cable television monopoly. Once again there will be a $4.99 charge on the bill from my local cable company for a movie that has ended before the end. And I am stone-cold ticked.

"That's it," I shout at my television. "I'm switching to satellite."

The next day I start paying attention to the ads for satellite service.

The first ad I see offers a package for $19.99, but I am suspicious about that. For $19.99, I'm pretty sure the television programming I will get will be approximately the same as what I would get if I duct-taped a coat hanger to the top of my television.

But the company also offers another package that includes eight channels of HBO/HD and six channels of Starz HD, free for three months (with 24-month commitment). The ad gives no clue as to what the next 21 months would cost. I read the fine print and discover that it may require a cancellation fee of up to $240, a monthly equipment rental fee of $5 or $7 for each receiver beyond the first, a $5 additional outlet programming access fee, a $7 enabling fee and a $5.98 monthly DVR service fee, plus local and state taxes. Whatever it all adds up to, I'm pretty sure I can't afford those three free months.

So I find an advertising supplement for a different satellite company that offers a "family package" for $29.99 a month. It includes 45 digital channels, none of which I would be able to watch for more than five minutes without falling into a coma.

On the next page, though, there's an ad for "four months free of our best television package." More fine print reading discloses that their best television package is $104.99 a month and I'd have to sign up for the NFL Sunday Ticket, which runs an additional monthly payment of $74 for four months. Plus the $9.99 HD access fee and $4.99 a month for a second and each additional receiver. Failure to activate the system equipment in accordance with the equipment lease addendum, the ad warns, may result in a $150 fine per receiver not activated. I have no idea what that means, and I'd probably have trouble getting to sleep at night worrying whether I had activated the equipment properly.

But in return for all that, I'd be getting 265 digital channels, 35 specialty sports networks, seven HBO channels, 12 Starz channels, nine Showtime channels and three Cinemax channels.

None of which I'd have time to watch, because I'd be busy working a second job so I could pay my satellite bill.

C

ontact this writer at (937) 225-2439 or at

dlstewart@DaytonDaily News.com.