Based on reports gushing out of last week’s Fashion Week in New York City, you’ll be hopelessly out of style and shunned by properly dressed society if your wardrobe next spring doesn’t include Beeswax, Honeysuckle and Regatta.

All of which, apparently, are the names of real colors.

At least that’s what Pantone, which cites itself as “the world’s color authority,” is saying. And when Pantone speaks, the women’s fashion world listens. How else will it know when it’s time to stop making clothes in Tomato Puree and Dried Herb, which were two of last spring’s hottest colors, but now are fit only to appear on the top of pizzas?

While I tend to disregard what’s going on with women’s clothes, because I hardly ever wear them, Pantone’s list of favored colors for next spring threatens to impact what the well-dressed man should be wearing.

Leading the threat is Dayton-native Scott Sternberg, whose Band of Outsiders label continues to draw praise from fashionistas. After viewing his colorful men’s line for spring, the fashion editor of Esquire magazine declared, “I’m liking these spicy colors. I keep seeing this color that makes me think of chicken tikka masala.”

Which is good news for Scott, but not so much for those of us who have no idea what chicken tikka masala is or what kind of steak sauce to pour over it.

The depth of my color ignorance can be illustrated by an exchange I had with my wife after I came home from a wedding she missed.

“Tell me all about it,” she urged. “What color was the bride’s dress?”

“White,” I reported.

“What color white?” she demanded. “Egg shell white, dove white, parchment white, ecru ...”

“Wedding dress white,” I insisted.

Mother Nature may have created an entire rainbow with just seven colors, but in the fashion world there are 52 shades of white alone.

Until I Googled “shades of blue,” I always assumed there were three: light blue, dark blue, and not-too-light but not-too-dark blue. It turns out there are 57 of them.

As remarkable as that is, I’m even more impressed by the imagination it must take to create names for all those hues. If I had to name colors, the best I might come up with would be Doritos orange, beer stain brown and ChiChi’s salsa red, all of which can be found on most of my tennis shirts.

Even if I had a Beeswax necktie, I wouldn’t know what to do with it. Could I wear it with my Honeysuckle shirt? Or would that clash with my Regatta slacks? And which of the 57 shades of blue should my sport coat be?

Just color me befuddled.

Contact D.L Stewart at dlstew_2000@yahoo.com