After a lifetime spent receiving even less respect than Rodney Dangerfield, I finally have learned what my problem may be.

I just need a cool watch.

Because, as the subject line on an e-mail message I received the other day clearly pointed out, “A cool watch automatically means big respect.”

Of course, the message appeared in the spam folder of my e-mail, so it might not be entirely believable.

It’s not that I’m cynical about the messages that appear on my computer, but I’m still waiting to hear from the former Nigerian Minister of Finance about my 50 percent of those unclaimed funds he promised me, even though I sent him all the information he requested, including my Social Security number, my checking account routing number and the numbers of all my credit cards. I haven’t entirely given up on him, though. It could be that he’s just waiting for my list of computer passwords.

And it’s possible that this watch thing could be the real deal, because approximately half of the spam and a lot of the regular e-mail messages I’m getting these days are telling me about how a new one will improve my life.

Such as:

“Nothing can amaze your special person more than a cute watch.”

And:

“With a cool watch you can beat everybody.”

Not to mention:

“A watch decorates you better than shyness.”

All of that sounds pretty good to me. I’ve been trying for years to amaze my special person — without much success — and beating everybody probably would be a lot of fun. But I’d have to admit that last one sounds like something that came out of a fortune cookie.

One message promised, “You will get tired to count the diamonds on your watch” and another offered, “Cheap watches to match your all clothes.” I’m still trying to figure out how the spam people know I have cheap clothes.

Still, if nothing else:

“With our watches boring time will go faster.” A watch like that might come in handy for watching Cleveland Browns games.

I have no idea how I got on the watch list in the first place. Before this, most of my spam had to do with Viagra, increasing the size of various body parts and enhancing my bust.

And I’m afraid to open any of the messages to find out where they’re coming from, because everybody warns that opening spam is dangerous. I’m not sure what would happen to me, but it must be something really, really bad, like constipation.

So I have no idea if, “Finally you can throw your old watch to garbage,” because, “You can afford so many watches you will lose track of them.”

Besides, I already have two watches and I don’t really need a third unless I grow another wrist. So I guess I’ll just hold off on buying any more for a while.

At least until I get my check from the former Nigerian Minister of Finance.

Contact D.L. Stewart at dlstew_2000@yahoo.com.