OxfordPress.com

Grade: C

Verdict: Overdone derring-do.

Details: Starring Justin Chambers, Mena Suvari, Tim Roth and Catherine Deneuve. Directed by Peter Hyams. Rated PG-13 for intense action sequence and some sexual material. One hour, 45 minutes.

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Review: Remember in Alexandre Dumas' novel “The Three Musketeers” when the dashing D'Artagnan battles the dastardly Darth Vader to the death in a vicious sword battle atop careening tall wooden ladders?

Don't fret. Nobody else does, either.

Hollywood's latest assault on classic literature is “The Musketeer,” a $50 million, mind-boggling mumbo-jumbo infusing elements of classic, cinematic Hong Kong martial arts with 17th-century France. Sort of a crouching baguette, hidden brie.

We get D'Artagnan (Justin Chambers in his first big-screen lead role) twirling sideways high up in the rafters of a country inn as he outduels a few ruffians. We see him fire a rope from a gun, à la Batman, to the tippy-top of a tall, precipitous castle tower. And while scaling the thing, he swordfights with similar rope-dangling fools. They all flip, they swirl about — and some of the bad guys, of course, fall splat.

Just be happy director Peter Hyams didn't choose to have D'Artagnan fly.

He might as well have. Hyams, who's brought us other unremarkable but explosive action and horror flicks such as “End of Days,” “Timecop” and “The Relic,” has his screenplay in the hands of Gene Quintano. Who better to re-imagine Dumas' oft-filmed tale than the author of “Operation Dumbo Drop.”

Quintano's script bears little resemblance to Dumas' novel of royal intrigue, swords, daring guards and that musketeer wannabe, D'Artagnan. This flick invents whole new characters, whole new intrigue and whole new derring-do.

You get the super-evil Febre (Tim Roth), a virtual Darth Vader in jet-black leather, hissing his threats and, with a swift sword, dispensing with henchmen who can't deliver his orders. You get trite humor designed for modern-day audiences, as when a musketeer, after a cranky encounter with ill-mannered soldiers, deadpans, “Paris is the rudest capital in the world.”

What Hyams does right is place his flick (it was filmed in France, Belgium and Luxembourg) in realistic squalor with paint-peeling walls, dusty rooms, dirty rats, mucky sewers and filthy cobblestone streets. He favors mostly natural lighting with outdoor torches and rooms full of burning candles.

While it does make many scenes dark and difficult to see, it is the one aspect of “The Musketeer” that will make viewers feel like they're there.

Most everything else is blather, trumped-up heroics and action-adventure clichés.

As for the actors, the Oscar-nominated Roth (“Rob Roy”) makes the best impression, though he's merely walking through the evil-guy thing he's done in flick after flick. Chambers is a typical capable young hero but is basically overshadowed by all the heavy costumes and breakneck derring-do.

“The Musketeer” is, at times, a watchable flick. It's got the action. Lots of it. Furious swordplay. Galloping horses. Cannon fire.

Too bad its “all for one” is all for naught.

— Bob Longino, (none)