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Grade: D

Verdict: A good cast completely squandered on a laughless comedy about a harridan that everyone in town would love to have killed.

Details: Starring Bette Midler, Danny DeVito and Neve Campbell. Directed by Nick Gomez. Rated PG-13 for language, comic violence, sexual situations. 1 hour, 31 minutes.

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Review: No one has much good to say about blowsy harridan Mona Dearly, who is sent to a watery grave within minutes of the start of the unfunny comedy "Drowning Mona." Unfortunately, that does not conclude the movie, for which there is also not much good to say.

Director Nick Gomez ("Illtown") and first-time screenwriter Peter Steinfeld probably had a hilarious time plotting out the zany events that transpire in the sleepy town of Verplanck, N.Y. The only problem is they don't come across as funny on screen. There's nothing wrong with dark, mean-spirited comedy, unless of course it doesn't produce laughs.

Mona (played on one screechy note by a bloated Bette Midler) is a hellion on wheels. As we get to know her through flashbacks, we quickly understand why nobody is broken up over her demise. It turns out that the Yugo in which she took a header into the Hudson River had its brakes sabotaged. Police Chief Wyatt Rash begins investigating her murder, but everyone in town had something against Mona. At some point during "Drowning Mona," most of the audience will develop a grudge against her, too.

Gomez seems to have in mind the atmosphere of a Picket Fences/Northern Exposure small town, a quirky little village chock-full of oddball characters doing endearing, ditsy things. He certainly has the cast to make the visit enjoyable, but the talent is simply squandered. Jamie Lee Curtis puts about as much energy into seducing both Mona's husband and son as she does serving meals at the local diner. Neve Campbell does nothing with a one-dimensional role as the bride-to-be of Mona's son's business partner, obsessing over details of the wedding such as making sure the chicken entree is deboned.

Faring only slightly better is Danny DeVito as the police chief with the unenviable task of sleuthing out the killer from the surplus of suspects. Although not much is done with it, he is given the promising trait of being fixated on show tunes. It is hard to completely dislike a movie that makes reference to "Starlight Express," concluding "It's no 'West Side Story.'"

For that matter, there is something intriguing about the fact that everyone in Verplanck drives a Yugo, a holdover from when the town was a test market for the boxy subcompacts. Nothing is made of this peculiarity either. Maybe it is just a bizarre product placement, but then, Yugos have long since ceased being manufactured.

Anyway, as Chief Wyatt wades through the would-be murderers, we watch Mona perform oversized acts of rottenness, as the interrogated recount their views of her, offer alibis and perform cartoonishly. Far be it from me to give away a whodunit, but be advised that time spent trying to figure out the murderer's identity would not be used productively.

Instead, give some thought to whatever happened to Midler's film career. Coming close on the heels of "Isn't She Great," the Divine Miss M now has two of the millennium's worst movies to her credit.

Check your theater's refund policy before you enter. "Drowning Mona" is dead in the water.

— Hap Erstein, Cox News Service

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