OxfordPress.com

Grade: D

Verdict: I didn't have the time of my life and I don't think you will, either.

"Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights" has so little to do with the 1987 hit "Dirty Dancing" that they could've just as well called it "The Matrix: Havana Nights."

Set in 1958 Cuba, at the point of President Fulgencio Batista's imminent ouster by Castro's rebels, the movie does offer a cameo by Patrick Swayze, who's still a helluva dancer, and a whiff of the older picture's "I had the time of my life" theme during the romantic scenes. But that's about it.

Eighteen-year-old Katey Vendetto (Romola Garai) moves to Havana with her family when her dad takes an executive job with Chrysler. Instead of hanging out with the other execsÕ kids at the posh hotel where all the Americans stay, she gets to know a sexy Cuban named Javier (Diego Luna).

Upset after she inadvertently costs him his job at the hotel, she convinces Javier to enter a ballroom dancing contest. He'll get the prize money and she'll get to learn to "just move to the music!" Together, they can perhaps teach the world we can all get along if we'll just ballroom dance together.

Apparently cast for her creamy blonde looks and her ability to lift her leg high, Garai is abysmally stiff and not the least bit interesting as character or actor. Luna, one of the stars of "Y Tu Mam‡ TambiŽn," has all the talent and charisma Garai lacks. He's even prettier than she is. But I'm not sure how good a dancer he is; he's shot in the kind of cut-away style that suggests he's not.

Nobody puts baby in the corner in the 1987 picture and nobody needs to put this baby on their to-see list. If you absolutely, positively have to watch it, wait until it hits the rental stores and buy the soundtrack CD, which has lots of luscious Latin music. Then turn up the CD and turn the movie sound off. That way you won't be distracted by the lame plot and inane dialogue.