Who do kids misbehave?

When children misbehave, our gut reaction is to do whatever we can to stop it — fast! There are three big problems with this approach:

1. Misbehavior is only a symptom of a deeper issue that the child is expressing in a negative way. If you only try to stop the misbehavior but don’t identify or resolve the core issue, that misbehavior will continue or another one will crop up until the core issue is resolved.

2. Reactions will always escalate the situation or give an accidental payoff, which will cause the misbehavior to continue. (I rarely say "always" or "never," but it fits here, so take notice!)

3. Reactions focus on the negative behavior whereas responses focus on the core issue and teaching the child how to resolve or meet that core issue through positive behavior.

There are two steps to responding effectively to misbehavior. We will address the first step in this article and the second step in part two of this series.

Step 1. Stop and ask yourself why is the child misbehaving?

You probably think there are a gazillion reasons why children misbehave. But if you ask three questions that are part of the "Formula," you will see that every instance of misbehavior will fit into one of five categories.

Five categories of misbehavior

All misbehavior is a "parent problem" because it involves inappropriate behavior. So the easy-to-remember symbols for all five categories of misbehavior start with P (for Parent problem).

1. PU: Parent problem involving unintentional misbehavior: The parent has a problem with misbehavior that results from the child’s lack of maturity, skills or knowledge. (From Early Childhood S.T.E.P.)

PO =Parent problem involving "on purpose" misbehavior: The parent has a problem with misbehavior that seems intentional, to serve a purpose. The four types of PO misbehavior (based on Rudolf Dreikurs’ "Four Goals of Misbehavior"):

2. PO for Attention

3. PO for Power

4. PO for Revenge

5. PO for Giving up

Important note: One behavior can serve more than one goal, such as running away or not talking. That’s why one approach to a misbehavior won’t work; it must fit the "goal."

To identify which of these four goals a particular misbehavior is serving at that second in time, ask yourself these two questions:

1. "How you feel when you see that behavior?" Now, all "PO" misbehavior makes you feel "PO’d," but you want to look for the feeling that comes before your anger. This "primary" feeling will differ for each goal.

If we feel annoyed, irritated, hounded, or that our personal space is violated, the goal is attention.

If we feel others are challenging our authority or trying to control us, the goal is power.

If we feel hurt, shocked, or disgusted, the goal is revenge.

If we feel frustrated, discouraged, or hopeless, the goal is giving up.

2. "What am I tempted to do?" (but don’t do it): Ask yourself, "What is the "typical reaction" to this behavior? One extreme will escalate the situation. The other will give a payoff. You want to avoid both. Instead, you want to break the cycle by redirecting the misbehavior before you discipline. If you fail to do this, it will turn your discipline into punishment and you won’t get as good results.

If we are tempted to remind, nag, and push away, the goal is attention.

If we are tempted to argue, punish, or give in, the goal is power.

If we are tempted to show hurt or hurt back, the goal is revenge.

If we are tempted to rescue, pressure, criticize, praise or expect less, the goal is giving up.

These clues tell you why the child is misbehaving or their "goal" To redirect, you want to show the child how to meet that purpose through positive behavior not misbehavior. In my next article, I’ll tell you how to redirect each type of misbehavior using proven-effective responses.

If you don’t want to wait and are ready to learn a system for effectively responding to misbehavior each time in a way that stops it permanently, I encourage you to access the following resources.

• "Why Kids Misbehave...and What You Can Do to Prevent and Stop it" teleseminar resource package.

• The award-winning book, "The Parent’s Toolshop®: The Universal Blueprint for Building a Healthy Family." Get the book or a free sample of Chapter 1 at "http://www.parentstoolshop.com/HTML/book.htm"

• Take a Parents Toolshop® live class, through which you can get the most-effective parenting tools available, practice using them, get support from other parents, as well as personalized advice for applying the tools to your family’s needs from national parenting expert Jody Johnston Pawel, LSW, CFLE.