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For 30 years I've had the privilege and challenge of trying to understand the world from kids' perspectives. Here's what I've learned from them:

1. Children want limits and consistency. Your children really dislike it when you say one thing and do another. Uncertainty causes them anxiety. For older kids, your inconsistency teaches them how to be manipulative and conniving. Stop threatening, lecturing and whining. Set limits that are reasonable and fair, and then ignore your children's protests. They may not like your rules, but you will earn their respect.

2. Kids hear but don't understand your private conversations. Be very careful about having personal discussions around your kids. They pick up bits and pieces of what you say, and it worries and confuses them. Your kids tell me about your health issues, imminent divorce, sexual problems and financial disasters. Most of this information is at best incomplete and often wrong.

3. Your teens don't want you as their friends. Don't try to act, dress or look like your kids. They regard you as phony and silly when you do such things. Kids have peers for friends. Your job as a parent is to be a mentor, disciplinarian and role model.

4. The Internet has changed everything. Your children have access to an electronic world that is way beyond your home and neighborhood. They readily enter this world and discover an environment that is exciting, confusing and stimulating. They form friendships, get emotional support and are exposed to ways of living that are very different from your own. Most parents are clueless as to what their kids are really doing online.

Access to the Internet has been the most profound change that I've seen in my 30 years of clinical work with children. I continue to be dismayed by the sites visited by even very young children. This has convinced me that kids should not have a computer in their room until they enter high school.

5. Children are sexual. Children's sexual reactions have been documented when they are still in their mother's womb. Your kids derive pleasure from their bodies. They are curious, and seek out opportunities to have their curiosity satisfied. They are continuously sexually stimulated by businesses that seek to sacrifice childhood innocence for commercial profits.

Parents cannot wait until adolescence to have "the talk" with the kids. It is too little and much too late. Explicit talks about sexuality should be ongoing between parents and kids. This should include a discussion of issues of gender identity, as kids are increasingly confused about what it means to be a girl or boy in a culture of shifting values.

6. Children have their own inner worlds that they keep private from you. Your kids have worries and wonders that are kept in a special place. They may occasionally give you a glimpse of that world, but mostly kids don't like to talk about personal things with their parents. They are fearful of your judgments and rejection.

The best way to try to enter this world is to stay emotionally connected with your children. Ask questions and try to understand your child's point of view. While there's certainly a time for rule setting and moralizing, there are also many occasions when you shouldn't give your own opinion. Instead, work at helping your children understand what they are really thinking and feeling, and how they might solve problems on their own.

7. You cannot control how your children turn out. Your kids are affected by genetic and environmental factors beyond your influence. You have a tremendous impact as a parent. However, there are many other factors that determine how your children proceed into adulthood. Do your best, but recognize that your children will make their own choices that will determine the kind of lives they live.

8. Your children love you. Regardless of what you say or do, there will always be that very special bond between you and your children. It seems to be a kind of mutual unconditional love. Just as you love your kids regardless of their behavior, they feel the same way toward you. Don't get distracted by things that kids may say at times of anger or confusion. They are connected to you forever, and that perhaps is the most special thing about being a parent.

Next week: Questions from readers

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children's Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit the Dayton Children's Web site at www.childrensdayton.org and sign up for FamilyWise, a free e-newsletter for parents. Send comments to Dr. Ramey at rameyg @childrensdayton.org.

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