Syrup by any other name ...

The universe is full of unexplained mysteries.

Is there life on other planets? What’s in hot dogs? And of course, the question that has plagued humankind for generations, what is Mrs. Butterworth’s first name?

I’ve spent many a sleepless night, staring at my bedroom ceiling, contemplating that very question.

Hopefully I’ll be getting a little more sleep in the coming months as it appears Mrs. Butterworth’s name will be revealed.

It never bothered me that Mrs. B’s body was missing a handle, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that she never went by a proper handle.

Pinnacle Foods Group, the makers of Mrs. Butterworth syrup, is turning the announcement into a contest, rewarding the person who correctly guesses the little lady’s first name with $500 and a year’s worth of Mrs. Butterworth.

But in typical syrup fashion, everything sounds good until you read the fine print. It’s not enough to guess the right name, those entering must explain in detail how they came up with their assumption.

So, in an attempt to put this contest away quickly, I did a little digging.

I started by looking for clues on her label. An initial review gave me my first guesses, Mrs. High Fructose Corn Syrup Butterworth and Mrs. Hexametaphosphate Butterworth (I assumed it was a family name).

I followed this up with an exhaustive search for her parents — the original Mr. and Mrs. Butterworth. I did a hard-target search of every convenience store, grocery store, farmhouse, pancake house and Waffle House.

Alas, I came up empty.

I assumed that means she’s an orphan. So I contacted every orphanage in Quebec, where 75 percent of the world’s maple syrup is produced. But again, nothing. Just a couple of guys who sounded like Pepe Le Pew trying to offer me free prescription medication.

If I didn’t know better I’d say she’s trying to throw us off the rich, syrupy scent. It’s almost like she doesn’t want us to know the answer. Oh, she’s a slippery one, that Butterworth. Very slippery, but also sticky.

But guess who else is sticky? Me. As in stick-to-itiveness. A trait I’m sure Butterworth and her people didn’t count on. I will not rest until I discover that name!

Eh, I’m already tired of this. I’m just going to go with my original guess of “Sucrose Sucrose-Ghali” and be done with it.

Pour some e-mail on me: 
entertainmentweakly
@yahoo.com