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Home > Blogs > Adventures in Motherhood > Archives > 2010 > November > 23 > Entry
When did Mr. or Mrs. become optional?
With the holidays coming, it’s been on my mind to work with my kids on their manners. Not just table manners, but etiquette and respect for others.
I do my best to crack down on my gentlemen-in-training, but they are a work in progress.
My sons do quite well remembering to use please and thank you - Nick even wrote “please” in the Christmas catalogs beside the toys he wants from “Santa.”
Which brings me to wonder, why don’t we teach our kids to refer to the jolly ole’ guy as “Mr. Claus?” Wouldn’t that be the respectful way to address him?
I was never permitted to call an adult by their first name (with the exception of Santa), thus, I expect my children to call adults “Mr./Mrs./Ms. Last Name” or even sir or ma’am.
Maybe it’s generational; my grandfather was met by his fathers backhand when he casually called an adult neighbor by his first name. Children just did not use adults’ first names. Period.
So, when did the rules change?
I’m not the Etiquette Police, but I want my children to show respect to elders.
How a person prefers to be addressed in a personal choice. Honestly, I prefer being called by my first name by other adults. As for children, I prefer the semi-formal, “Ms. First Name” - but, not right away. After all, I just met you … and you’re 6.
Go ahead, call me “old school.”
So, what should be expected of children in a society that becomes more casual every day?
“I think it depends on how close the relationship is your children have to the adults. First names for close friends, and Mr.and Mrs. for people they don’t know very well,” said Springfield mom Marlies Hemmann.
Nhung Kyre of Dayton, a mom of three, believes children need a distinction between kids and adults. “I teach my kids to say ‘Ms. or Mr. First Name’ unless told otherwise.”
But (in an unofficial Facebook poll), I learned formality is not expected by everyone.
“I personally was not raised to refer to people as Mr. or Mrs. and I like it when kids refer to me as just plain old Beth,” said Beth Jones of Springfield.
However, Jones also said she does not object to being called Ms. Beth or Mrs. Jones.
High school teacher Carrie Smith of Urbana is often called by her first name by students. She believes kids mimic how their parents talk to other adults.
“My husband and I are both teachers and coaches. We try to always refer to (other) adults as Mr. and Mrs. so as to not confuse our own kids. It is what youth hear that they repeat.”
Perhaps children don’t intend to be disrespectful when using first names - they may not know any better - but when a teaching opportunity presents itself, take it.
Just imagine the child walking into an offical job interview with a company CEO in 20 years saying, “Hi, Sue! Nice to meet you.” (cringe)
First impressions mean more than we like to admit; Better to start at the top and work your way down.
Email this contributing writer at Motherhoodcolumn@yahoo.com.
Permalink | Comments (8) | Post your comment | Categories: Motherhood Column
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By Cindy
November 24, 2010 9:48 AM | Link to this
Change: I am a conservative woman who believes that Ms is an improvement for the serious business woman who wants to be identified for her ability rather than her marital status. It helps people focus on substance. Has nothing to do with being liberal.
By Slightly Right
November 23, 2010 9:37 PM | Link to this
Unfortunatly, I’m afraid respect has become a passe trait with the youth of today. It is probably corny or maybe a sign of weakness to them. I bought a newspaper at a convience store today and told the very young employee “Thank You” when he gave me my change. His response was “No Problem”. Last week at a gas station/carwash, a young attendant about a third of my age said “Thanks Bud” when I paid him. When I grew up in the fifties, it wasn’t uncommon for a neighborhood adult to correct a disrespectful youth. They would probably wind up in court today if they did that. We certainly do reap what we sow.
By Emily
November 23, 2010 10:31 AM | Link to this
I think it depends on the level of formality appropriate to the relationship. While working at an after-school program, I was “Ms. First Name”, which created the necessary distance between adult and child while remaining slightly more fun/casual. I would think teachers would always be Mr. and Mrs., but that’s how I was raised.
By Charles
November 23, 2010 10:12 AM | Link to this
We teach our children to refer to adults as Mr/Mrs. Our other peave is the use of the word “huh” when asking a child a question. We are in our early 40’s and believe that manner are essential in society.
By Lee
November 23, 2010 9:45 AM | Link to this
I think its a case of adults dont really see themselves as adults. We’re not as hard as our grandparents or parents were, which is part of the reason society has gotton soft.
By Lea
November 23, 2010 8:52 AM | Link to this
Interesting… I refer to my kids’ teachers as “Mr./Mrs. So-And-So”. I never call them by their first names. They’re not my friends. I’ve been going to the same doctor and dentist since I was 14. Only in the last few years do I call them “Dr. Joe” and “Dr. Greg”. Still…
By Me
November 23, 2010 8:45 AM | Link to this
Where I was raised no one called anyone Mrs./Mr. unless they were elderly or their teacher. It’s different in this part of the country. And yes we had manners and etiquette where I grew up, just different cultural norms.
By Change you can't believe in
November 23, 2010 8:36 AM | Link to this
When Ms came in. Liberals have to take something that has been around for centuries and change it just for the sake of change. Not for the better.