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March 2010
Sometimes tough not to weigh in on kids’ friends
As a parent, part of the guidance package we offer is to advise your kids on how to handle social situations.
For example, my husband and I tell our sons that when they meet adults, they need to look them in the eye, shake their hand and say, “Nice to meet you.”
When they meet a kid, a solid greeting while looking at the other kid (this seems to be the hard part) is acceptable.
Of course, the success rate of these operations is currently at about 25 percent. But, still, we remind them every time with the hope that those numbers will go up.
As they are getting older, my husband and I are finding more opportunities to offer the kids what we believe to be wise little nuggets of information for them to chew on as they navigate more dicey peer-related situations.
For instance, recently the 10-year-old was invited to a boy-girl birthday party at a skating rink. My husband told him that there was an outside possibility that he would be asked to skate with a girl.
After recovering from the shock of the mere concept, the fifth-grader worked out with his dad what they thought was an acceptable way to decline such an offer.
If faced with the unthinkable, he would say, “Sorry, I’m not available right now.”
It didn’t seem to matter if he was approached while standing alone in a corner or not. What was important is that he could break out that go-to phrase in case of emergency, and minimize any potential hurt feelings.
Where that line of advice becomes fuzzy is in the case of friendships.
By around mid- to late elementary school, which is where my sons are now, kids’ personalities are pretty formed.
It is relatively easy at this point — at least from a more experienced, parental point of view — to spot the trouble-makers, the quiet ones, the funny kids, the smart guys, the cool girls, the rough-and-tumble dudes, the good eggs, and so on.
And, as a parent, it is difficult not to root for your kids to choose friends among the ones you like best.
Actually, it isn’t difficult to root for certain kids, but sometimes it is difficult to keep it to yourself.
With my kids, I do — for the most part — stay out of their friendships, although I have been known to ask leading questions, such as, “Why don’t you like him?” or “Don’t you think (so-and-so) is cool?”
And it should be noted that, even though I have thought it a few times, I have yet to ask, “How can you stand that kid?”
However, it also should be noted that when they get older and face more serious friend-related issues, I make no promises about my restraint.
Seeing the kids choose and deal with friends also makes me more aware of how I treat my friends, and makes me want to do a better job of leading by example.
For instance, their attention has made me be more up-front with a friend from college whose phone calls I had been obviously ducking; and seeing them enjoy their time with friends has empowered me to seek out and enjoy more time with my friends as well.
So, as it turns out, I guess the kids are helping me deal with social situations, too.
It also makes me wonder if they have ever thought, “How can you stand that grown-up?”
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No harm in needing a little help from our (imaginary) friends
Spoiler alert: If you still believe in Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy or leprechauns, do not read this!
Some parents worry about children who have imaginary friends. I’m not one of them.
Just like Big Bird, as a child, I had my very own snufalufagus to play with. My parents were fine with it. After all, when “Snuffy” and I were busy playing, they were free to tend to my colicky baby brother.
As adults, we know that Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny do not really exist. But that doesn’t stop us from teaming up with them to bring about good behavior from our little angels during the holidays.
Santa always has my back - at least until the boys learn from an older child on the bus that Santa looks a lot like ones parents.
The tooth fairy has yet to make a visit to our house, which is fine with us because based on inflation rates times 20 teeth times three kids, we can’t afford her.
I did some homework on where this little fairy came from, and apparently, she has evolved. Per wiki.answers.com, “Some believe that the tooth fairy evolved from the tooth mouse depicted in an 18th century French language fairy tale. In ‘La Bonne Petite Souris,’ a mouse changes into a fairy to help a good queen defeat an evil king by hiding under his pillow to torture him and knocking out all his teeth.”
Must have been too traumatic for children, hence the evolution to a dainty fairy.
With all of the kind, loving imaginary helpers we parents have (I even invented the “binky fairy” who took Nick’s pacifiers), I overlooked those pesky leprechauns who show up every March.
Noah came home from school last week, exasperated, saying, “That leprechaun messed up our classroom again today!”
Instantly I was transported back to my days in elementary school when the leprechaun would leave a trail of papers, crayons, and tipped over chairs for us clean up.
We never did catch the little guy, or find the pot of gold - Noah didn’t either, but he never gave up trying.
I recalled the St. Patrick’s Day pinching tradition and told the boys to make sure they wore green.
Noah was horrified at the thought of someone pinching him.
Oops. “You won’t get pinched hard. It’s all for fun!” I said pinching myself for bringing it up.
(Dear parents whose children were pinched by my son(s): I’m sorry.)
There is no harm in using a little imagination.
Childhood is fleeting and it can be a scary world - but those fun moments when our kids find that hidden Easter egg is worth a pot of gold.
Email this contributing writer at Motherhoodcolumn@yahoo.com.
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Trip back in time can give you a hangover
As we get older, we tend to trade in activities for others according to how they fit with our lives.
When we’re growing up, we go from hopscotch to jump rope to bicycling to driving. We go from playing with friends, to hanging out, partying and standing up for each other in weddings. But there is no greater shift in how we spend our free time than after we have kids.
Instead of seeing movies and going to clubs, our days are spent feeding, changing or driving kids to soccer tournaments.
For years, our wants and needs take a big backseat to those of the kids and the family unit as a whole.
Overall, it’s not a bad way to spend our time; in fact, these are some of the best days of our lives.
But, it also is nice to retain a glimmer of our former free-wheeling selves and do some of the things we used to enjoy.
Some parents are better at this than others. For example, my husband has managed to go out and have a beer with his best friend once a week throughout our nearly 11 years as parents.
I have not been as adept, but recently I have been working to change that.
Since my youngest son is about to turn 9, I figure it is OK if I spend some more time on my interests and less time trying to learn “Mario Kart.”
I am calling it grown-up-palooza.
To that end, I recently agreed to join a group of friends to hear a live band at a local bar. I can’t remember the last time I did that, especially on my own.
It was fun, but I found that the landscape (and possibly my perspective) had changed a little since my last venture out.
At the door, just as there used to be, there was a cover charge and someone was checking IDs.
Well, at least he was checking the IDs of the guys in front of me. I had mine in my hand with my money just in case they were checking everybody.
When the guy saw me ready, he smirked a little. He didn’t ask for my proof of age.
When I got inside, the band hadn’t started, but the crowd was already so thick that all I could think was “fire hazard.”
I was glad to see, though, that other than the two I followed in, the crowd didn’t look embarrassingly young — in fact, they looked a little, older than I’d imagined.
Then again, they might have been saying the same thing about me.
I spotted my friend on the other side of the room and headed to where she and her friends had set up camp. Thankfully, they had saved me a seat.
(It reminded me that, other than trying to find a table at Chuck E. Cheese on a snowy winter weekend, I am used to going to places where seats are easily acquired.)
Soon the band started. They sounded great, but I couldn’t believe how loud they were. Soon I got back into the old habit of squeezing in conversation between songs and sets.
That also gave me time to observe the scene more closely. It was like I was surrounded by distorted versions of the kids I went to school with.
They were dancing, drinking and getting rowdy, but just with a little more weight and and a little less hair. And some, I noticed, were not embarrassed to wear earplugs.
There was something these old kids were doing that I wasn’t used to, though. In place of their matches lighting up smoky rooms, the glow from their cell phones (and subsequent pictures) were punctuating the clear darkness.
The best part though was, like me, most appeared to be taking this opportunity to let loose and have fun. For all of us, it was probably a nice break from families and responsibilities, if just for a few hours.
At any rate, I figure all this renewed fun will probably take some getting used to. But I am willing to keep at it.
It is, after all, grown-up-palooza.
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Son getting his kicks after school
In a matter of just three weeks, I watched my oldest son go from a nervous beginner to, literally, earning his stripes.
Well, a stripe.
An after school martial arts program is available for the students at his school.
Initially, we hesitated, wondering if he was really interested or just wanted to wear a gi like the Karate Kid.
We decided to let him try it out.
I went with him to the first class, signed him up and he was fitted for the proper attire. He did his best to keep up with the students who had been in the class for a while.
Nervously, Noah glanced over at me while he balanced as long as he possibly could on one wobbly leg while kicking out the other. I gave him the thumbs-up.
They did tumbles and rolls, kicks, jabs and stances. At the end of the hour, Noah ran to me and unhappily cried out, “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
Definitely my child. I had tried - and quit - the piano, tap dancing, tumbling, the clarinet and the trumpet before finally settling on horses at the age of 12.
“Why do you want to quit?” I asked Noah, at the same time wondering if I could get my check back.
He didn’t have a good answer. He just clung to me while we packed up his stuff.
“You need to give it another chance,” I said.
He did. And he liked it.
By the time class no. 2 came around, Noah was the proud owner of a gi and a snow white belt. He couldn’t wait for the next week.
“Don’t forget my suit,” he told me Wednesday night as we prepared his backpack for the next day.
“You like martial arts class now, huh?” I asked him.
“Yeah. I wasn’t so nervous last time because you weren’t there embarrassing me,” he said.
I intentionally didn’t attend his next class, wanting him to continue gaining confidence and doing an activity independently of dear old mom.
He’s turning into a big boy and I’m the one having growing pains. But by the end of class no. 3, the growing pains lessened.
“Mom! I earned my first stripe on my belt today!”
So did I.
Email this contributing writer at Motherhoodcolumn@yahoo.com.
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VeggieTales CD offer and other favorite kids’ music
My 4-year-old covets his older siblings’ iPods. He wants to hear “his” music, but I’m not about to pay big bucks for a high-tech gadget to appease him.
Instead, his aunt bought him an inexpensive personal CD player a few Christmases ago, and he’s actually taken very good care of it.
So periodically, we add to his music collection (no iTunes card needed!) with whatever happens our way.
His new favorites include a series of VeggieTales CDs that will be available in Chick-fil-A kids meals from March 13 to April 17. The focus of the five CDs, which also feature videos and computer games, is building self-confidence. Topics include “You are a Friend,” “You are Loved,” and “You are Important.”
(The VeggieTales program concentrates on presenting spiritual and moral lessons in a silly, kid-friendly way. So if you’re not open to Christian-themed instruction, the series will turn you off.)
My son especially likes the story of baby Moses veggie sent floating down the river (he can relate to the mean big sister!), and he loves the sing-alongs like “Boom, Boom Ain’t It Great to be Crazy?” Another of his favorites is “Pizza Angel,” which sounds vaguely like one of the teen tragedy songs from the ’60s. (When it comes to kids’ music, there’s apparently no accounting for taste.)
A road trip favorite for our entire family? “Not for Kids Only.” The late Grateful Dead singer-guitarist Jerry Garcia and mandolinist David Grisman jam on traditional tunes such as “Jenny Jenkins,” “Teddy Bears’ Picnic” and “There Ain’t No Bugs on Me.”
Another one we borrowed from the library sooooo many times I decided to just buy our own copy on Amazon. com was “The Great Dinosaur Mystery — A Musical Fossil Fantasy” by Dinorock.
If your kids are into dinosaurs — and really, what kid isn’t? — this is a fun, fascinating listen that will get many, many repeat plays. It teaches kids (and parents) all about dinosaurs and their habits, and it helps them practice their listening skills as well. The song lyrics are clever too. You’ll catch yourself humming them years later even. (I do.)
Disney has also put out several children’s CDs that have made my son’s hit parade. Jazzy “Princess and the Frog,” “Mickey Mouse Clubhouse” and the super-fun “Los Lobos Goes Disney” are frequent picks. (Disney’s “Starstruck,” “High School Musical” and “Hannah Montana” CDs were all greedily snapped up by his big sis.)
One of his favorite CDs was a Christmas gift from his preschool teachers that has all their classroom songs on it. He sings along and performs the “choreography,” much to the whole family’s delight.
If you haven’t brought the joy of music into the life of your child yet, today is a good day to start!
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No ideal time to have kids, career
There was a recent survey done about working moms, asking what the “ideal” age is for women to have their first baby and have a successful career.
It was branded and released by two Web sites: TheBump.com, a Web site about pregnancy that is produced by the same company that runs the wedding site TheKnot.com, and ForbesWoman.com.
The findings? The ideal time to become a mom and retain career success is between the ages of 25 and 29.
They reasoned that because by that age, many women have gotten out of college, established careers, gained some financial security and are more ready than her younger colleagues to handle the responsibility of becoming parents.
These are certainly valid points. Whether working or not, you want to bring a baby into a stable home — both emotionally and financially.
And I took the survey for what it was: A general look at some of the ways families have found to balance all that they need and want to do in their lives. And possibly helpful to those who were planning out their futures.
It wasn’t until The Bump editor, Carley Roney, commented that I realized that there was a danger of folks taking data such as this and employing it as fact.
Roney, who said she had her first baby at 29, noted that having a baby between 25 and 29 is “the best of both worlds.”
She said: “This survey helped us find out that there is a right time.”
Now, I don’t mean to pick on Roney, who may have been pushed to declare and promote a survey victor, but it is clear that although the late 20s may work well for a great number of women, it is not necessarily the right time for everyone.
I also had my first baby at 29, although he was not planned. However, I don’t think my career or my family would have been markedly different had I waited a few years.
It also reminded me how easy it is to become structured in our modern world of information, opinion and the subsequent classification.
I remember when I told my mom that my husband and I had decided we wanted to have two kids and have them relatively close together in age.
It was a compromise between his desire for few and my desire for many, and we took steps to make that our reality both before and after they were born.
But I quickly realized that she was highly annoyed by our cookie-cutter plan.
“What if something happened to one of them?” she asked. “What would you do then? What would happen to your plan?”
My mother had her first baby at 21, and took the other four as they came. It wasn’t always the best system, as evidenced by my brother and I being a strenuous 11 months apart, but it cannot be argued that it happened as nature intended.
And, there is much to be said about letting all those elements take their course.
What I have realized since that conversation with my mother, about 10 years down the line, is that I likely did overplan where my family was concerned.
I have often wished that my husband and I had left more wiggle room for the possibility of more children, and since found out he felt the same way.
At any rate, I would have to weigh in that there is no “ideal” time for everyone to have babies, children and career. You just have to see what works for you.
It is all part of the beauty of life. And, if managing your life was simple, there would be no need for surveys and discussions such as these.
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Son makes mom’s “dream come true” … sort of
I am far from a perfect mother. In fact, I had a classic mommy-meltdown recently.
After telling the boys one too many times to clean up their room, I walked in to get them ready for bed and was greeted by the same piles of clothes and toys I had demanded be put away hours ago.
Apparently, I was at the breaking point by this time of the day.
My face reddened as the “lecture” began to rise in my throat but, it didn’t come out as such. “How many times have I told you to clean your room?” I hollered like a mad woman. “I am not going to do it for you! Listen to me the first time and I won’t have to yell!”
As soon as it came out of my wide open mouth I knew I had lost all composure. The boys both looked at me like I had frogs coming out of my nose.
Then, to my dismay - and theirs - I saw Noah’s prized “big boy” toy on the floor.
“What is that?” I demanded.
Noah sheepishly stared at me, knowing he was really in trouble now.
This particular item is something he had been told from day one, was to be taken care of like it was a newborn baby, yet there it was, inviting someone to step on it.
I promptly removed the item from said location and relocated it out of Noah’s possession. He was crushed, but he knew the deal.
After my eruption, we settled into our bedtime routine, forgetting momentarily about the messy room. I tucked my little men in and left them to slumber.
“Oh, why did I do that?” I said to myself immediately feeling the guilt for acting like, well, a child.
The next morning, still in the alarm-clock daze, I went in the boys’ room to wake Noah for school.
I shuffled to the bed and roused him from the top bunk.
He sat up, glanced around his room and said, “Look Mom, the floor is clean.”
I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and looked around. Sure enough, there wasn’t a toy or shirt on the floor. After my rant, Noah had snuck out of bed and cleaned the room.
“I wanted all of your dreams to come true,” Noah said in his best salesman voice.
I laughed, but also felt the knife of guilt twist in my chest. He later admitted he was also afraid I would not ever return his prized play thing.
I sucked it up and admitted to the boys I had been a little crazy the night before and should have handled things differently, not dismissing the fact that their listening skills need some improvement.
Next time I hope the consequences will be different - for us all.
Email this contributing writer at Motherhoodcolumn@yahoo.com.
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