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Thursday, March 25, 2010
Sometimes tough not to weigh in on kids’ friends
As a parent, part of the guidance package we offer is to advise your kids on how to handle social situations.
For example, my husband and I tell our sons that when they meet adults, they need to look them in the eye, shake their hand and say, “Nice to meet you.”
When they meet a kid, a solid greeting while looking at the other kid (this seems to be the hard part) is acceptable.
Of course, the success rate of these operations is currently at about 25 percent. But, still, we remind them every time with the hope that those numbers will go up.
As they are getting older, my husband and I are finding more opportunities to offer the kids what we believe to be wise little nuggets of information for them to chew on as they navigate more dicey peer-related situations.
For instance, recently the 10-year-old was invited to a boy-girl birthday party at a skating rink. My husband told him that there was an outside possibility that he would be asked to skate with a girl.
After recovering from the shock of the mere concept, the fifth-grader worked out with his dad what they thought was an acceptable way to decline such an offer.
If faced with the unthinkable, he would say, “Sorry, I’m not available right now.”
It didn’t seem to matter if he was approached while standing alone in a corner or not. What was important is that he could break out that go-to phrase in case of emergency, and minimize any potential hurt feelings.
Where that line of advice becomes fuzzy is in the case of friendships.
By around mid- to late elementary school, which is where my sons are now, kids’ personalities are pretty formed.
It is relatively easy at this point — at least from a more experienced, parental point of view — to spot the trouble-makers, the quiet ones, the funny kids, the smart guys, the cool girls, the rough-and-tumble dudes, the good eggs, and so on.
And, as a parent, it is difficult not to root for your kids to choose friends among the ones you like best.
Actually, it isn’t difficult to root for certain kids, but sometimes it is difficult to keep it to yourself.
With my kids, I do — for the most part — stay out of their friendships, although I have been known to ask leading questions, such as, “Why don’t you like him?” or “Don’t you think (so-and-so) is cool?”
And it should be noted that, even though I have thought it a few times, I have yet to ask, “How can you stand that kid?”
However, it also should be noted that when they get older and face more serious friend-related issues, I make no promises about my restraint.
Seeing the kids choose and deal with friends also makes me more aware of how I treat my friends, and makes me want to do a better job of leading by example.
For instance, their attention has made me be more up-front with a friend from college whose phone calls I had been obviously ducking; and seeing them enjoy their time with friends has empowered me to seek out and enjoy more time with my friends as well.
So, as it turns out, I guess the kids are helping me deal with social situations, too.
It also makes me wonder if they have ever thought, “How can you stand that grown-up?”
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