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Home > Blogs > Adventures in Motherhood > Archives > 2009 > November > 05 > Entry
Are parents spanking less and yelling more?
There was an article in the New York Times last month that hit a little too close to home for me.
The article was titled, “For Some Parents, Shouting Is the New Spanking.”
It talked about how many of today’s parents find it less socially acceptable to spank their children and, as a result or for lack of a better option, have “incongruously and with regularity” become a generation that yells.
The article also said the yelling may be partly a releasing of stress for multitasking, overachieving, time-crunched adults.
Of course, as is the cosmic way of the world, I read this article the day after I had screamed at my 8- and 10-year-olds for coming to blows over a few pieces of leftover pizza.
In general, I feel like I yell at my kids too much, and it is true I have only spanked them a handful of times. And even by “spanked” I mean giving their bottoms a swat when they were little.
It is nothing like the spankings I remember as a kid; well, at least the spankings my older brother and sister got. Since they are seven and five years older than I, they were more subject to my father’s manner of discipline, which primarily was spanking.
Since I shared a room with my sister, I saw firsthand the many spankings she received. Although, stubborn as she is, she got good at hiding her pain — at least until my dad left the room.
My parents separated when I was very young, so I was rarely (if ever) spanked. Between that and the fact that I would burst into tears whenever I did anything wrong, I managed to stay pretty safe from corporal punishment.
I do remember being yelled at, though, and feeling pretty awful about it. It wasn’t even that I felt so bad about what I had done, but bad about myself.
And, thinking back to that time, it makes me want to watch my parental volume even more.
Those memories also made me want to check in with my kids, and get their perspective on the topic.
So the other night when just the kids and I were having dinner, I asked them: “Do you think parents yell a lot?”
They each said, “Yeah, some,” and wanted to know why. So I told them I was mentioning the idea in this week’s column.
“I am writing how parents tend to yell more these days, but when Daddy and I were younger and before that, parents did more spanking,” I said.
After thinking about that for a minute, the fifth-grader said: “I think I’d rather be spanked. At least then it would be over with and I wouldn’t have to sit there thinking my life was over while you guys yelled at me.”
Ouch. I told him that he should never think his life was over because of something he did or how we were reacting.
And then I wondered, since he mentioned both my husband and me, who was the bigger yeller.
So I asked them: “Who do you think yells at you more? Daddy or me?”
The older one, the confirmed Mom-camper, answered quickly: “Dad.”
Whew! As biased as the source was, it made me feel better.
Then I turned to the younger one, who conveniently had just taken a big bite of his hamburger.
The third-grader pointed at his mouth to say that he couldn’t answer right now. I didn’t even know the kid knew that signal, having watched food fly out of his mouth nearly every day of the last eight years.
As we waited, his brother and I started to laugh, saying the younger one might take another bite before he could answer.
When he did swallow and collect his thoughts, he said: “Well, you do catch me doing more stuff than Dad does.”
He was fair, as is his quirky, second-born way. But his implication was noted.
At any rate, I am glad I asked and glad I read the article.
With any luck, I will yell less in the future.
And, with even more luck, maybe the kids will hear me better this way.
Permalink | Comments (3) | Post your comment | Categories: Mother's Daze columns
Comments
By Darci
November 9, 2009 8:15 AM | Link to this
In true John Rosemond fashion I believe “the punishment should never fit the crime.” If the offense is a 2 the punishment should be a 6. This doesn’t necessarily mean spanking, but the rest of the day in their bedroom or going to bed 2 hours earlier for a week will certainly make an impressionable memory. 5 minutes in time-out doesn’t do much to impact their day or routine. Great article and great insight from your kids.
By Nancy
November 5, 2009 7:02 PM | Link to this
I personally believe that is whats wrong with children today and why they bring guns to school and commit other hideous acts because they have not had their butts smacked when they were younger. All of these fine phycologist stating that violence begets violence are full of crap. Did you ever hear of any children bringing guns to school 40 years ago. No because they were taught respect by the back of a hand.
By rabbit
November 5, 2009 8:32 AM | Link to this
Great article but this story goes along with the old saying, Spare the rod, spoil the child. Nowadays, children see on TV and other news sources that if parents even try to spank them, some of them will holler CHILD ABUSE! Parents are handcuffed on trying to discipline their children, may it be spanking or yelling because children and other adults watching can accuse the parent for either child physical or mental abuse. So the true question is, where is the line drawn between discipline and child abuse?