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Home > Blogs > Adventures in Motherhood > Archives > 2009 > March > 06
Friday, March 6, 2009
Get rid of sibling rivalry once and for all
It only took me 10 years to figure out, but I’ve finally stumbled upon a parenting pointer that has eased the sibling rivalry at our house considerably — and it just might work for you.
It’s called “Listening To Your Child.”
For years, when the TV remote was tugged between sister and brother, privacy boundaries were stomped across, books were bickered over, computer time complaints were logged, I was handling it all wrong.
I was trying to be sensible, make things fair. I would argue the case of the transgressed-upon to the transgressor. Some nights, I talked till I was blue in the face. Only to hear the same response over and over: “It’s … not … FAIR!”
(At which point I must pause to share my own father’s response to the question of fairness: When one of his three daughters would trot out the tired phrase, he’d bellow, “If you want fair, go to Hookstown!” — a little inside joke referring to the big regional fair in Hookstown, Pa., that we frequented. We all still crack up at the memory. Even my Hubby uses the line, and he’s never even BEEN to Hookstown.)
But clearly, my strategy wasn’t working.
I have since found that — surprise! — kids just want to be listened to sometimes. Who’da thunk it?
That’s all they need: a sympathetic ear. Someone who will take the time to sit quietly with them at their bedside and let them spew all that anger and unhappiness and angst that tends to build up in adolescent brains, without trying to reason or explain it away. They just need to unload and be heard.
So now, when the woeful wails of sibling rivalry start, I separate the warring factions and listen to the “injured” party’s list of grievances first. Then I say something wise like, “I understand how you feel,” usually followed by more listening.
Then I drop the bomb: “I’ll talk to him/her about it.”
For some unknown reason, this magical phrase is like a spell that transforms the hurt and bitterness into something less so — something almost like civility. You can almost see the tension lift.
Next, it’s time to visit with the “villain” and get his/her side of things. And after a good listen (and maybe a promised concession or two), I usually end the conversation with some variation on the Golden Rule.
This simple method has defused many screaming matches at our house. So if you’ve had your fill of the bickering, try this calming technique on your own raging rugrats. Let me know if it works like a charm for you, too.
